The Ladder and the Lion: A Gentle Guide to Polyvagal Theory for Parents of PDA Children

Introduction: A Nervous System Primer (Hold the Science Degree)

If you’ve ever wondered why your child seems to go from calm to full-on panic in seconds flat, or why a simple request to sit at the table can lead to a complete meltdown, this might help. We’re going to explore something called Polyvagal Theory, but don’t worry. No textbook jargon, no biology quizzes, and certainly no shaming. Just a warm cup of understanding.

When I speak to parents who have PDA children (which is almost everywhere I go these days), the first thing I notice is that, whilst many tell me that they have read a lot on the subject, very few actually understand what is happening to their child neurologically. If they ask me for an explanation, which sometimes happens, they are shocked. Yesterday, a mum friend sat on my sofa as I explained this to her and her eyes filled with tears. She is PDA herself and she suddenly understood what was happening inside her body. She told me that I need to tell people about this because she considered herself quite knowledgeable on the subject and was shocked that she didn’t know this.

So here we go…

If you’re parenting a child with a Pathologically Demand Avoidant (PDA) profile, you’ll know that traditional parenting advice often falls apart by breakfast. But when we start to understand the role of the nervous system, and how it impacts behaviour, we can begin to see the logic beneath the chaos.

Let’s take a kind and curious look at how our children’s responses aren’t irrational, but deeply rooted in biology.

What is Polyvagal Theory?

Polyvagal Theory was developed by Dr Stephen Porges (no relation to porridge, sadly), and it’s all about how our nervous system responds to safety, danger, and life’s many surprises. At its heart is the vagus nerve, a kind of biological communication superhighway which is the longest cranial nerve in the body. It begins at the brainstem and travels down through the neck and chest into the abdomen, connecting the brain to key organs including the heart, lungs, and digestive system. It plays a vital role in regulating our stress response, helping to switch between states of calm and alertness.

Porges described three states that we move between, depending on whether we feel safe, threatened, or absolutely terrified:

1. Social Engagement – The calm, connected state. Think: cuddles, curiosity and jokes.

2. Fight or Flight – The alarm system kicks in. Think: shouting, running, arguing, bolting.

3. Freeze or Shutdown – The emergency brake. Think: silence, collapse, zoning out, refusal.

Polyvagal Theory explains that these aren’t chosen behaviours. They are biological responses designed to protect us. The vagus nerve, as part of the autonomic nervous system (ANS), responds to perceived danger almost instantly, often within a twentieth of a second. That’s far faster than our conscious brain can process what’s happening, which can take closer to half a second or more. This means our bodies often react to threat before we even realise it, and it’s not something we can think or talk ourselves out of in the moment. The response is automatic… protective first, logical later.

What This Looks Like for PDA Children

Now let’s mix in PDA. If you’re familiar with PDA, you’ll know that demands (even really tiny ones) can trigger huge emotional reactions. But why?

Let’s pause here for a moment and talk about something called neuroception. It’s a word you might not have come across before, but it plays a huge role in understanding your PDA child… and yourself, too.

Neuroception is the term Dr Stephen Porges uses to describe the way our autonomic nervous system (ANS) constantly and subconsciously scans our surroundings for signs of safety or threat. It’s happening right now, while you’re reading this. Unless something startling has just happened in your environment, your brain has assessed that you're safe. That’s why you’re able to stay settled and focused on these words, your nervous system has done its checks and decided there’s no need to raise the alarm.

Now imagine the sound of a fire alarm going off. Or a car horn blaring. Or a cyclist suddenly zooming past you on the pavement. In those moments, your nervous system kicks in, fast. Your heart might race, you might flinch or take a sharp breath, your muscles might tense. That’s your body responding exactly as it should to a perceived threat, keeping you ready to act if you need to. You didn’t choose to react that way. You didn’t weigh up the options and decide to feel panicked, it just happened. Because your nervous system took over before your conscious mind even had a chance to catch up.

Now, imagine if that same stress response was happening, not in response to a fire alarm or an oncoming cyclist, but to someone asking you to put your coat on. Or telling you it’s time to brush your teeth. Or even suggesting what you might like for lunch.

This is what we mean when we talk about faulty neuroception, when the brain’s internal threat detector starts misfiring, treating ordinary, everyday situations as dangerous. For a child with PDA, this is often what’s happening. Their nervous system doesn’t register that they’re being offered a simple choice or request… it registers a threat. And just like the fire alarm, their body floods with adrenaline. They might feel like they need to run, or shout, or cry. They’re not choosing to react this way. Their whole system is responding as if their safety is at risk.

This is one of the hardest parts for others to grasp, that the child who seems “oppositional” or “manipulative” is actually experiencing a full-body, involuntary response to a perceived threat. And because that threat detector is faulty, the threat might be a maths worksheet. Or a change in routine. Or being told what to do.

Understanding this changes everything. It moves us out of the mindset of control and correction, and into a place of compassion and co-regulation. It helps us see that we’re not dealing with a child who won’t do something, but a child who can’t… not until they feel safe again.

You might see:

• Sudden resistance to simple requests

• Flighty or argumentative behaviour that seems excessive

• Going ‘numb’ or shut down after emotional escalation

These aren’t tantrums. They’re nervous system shifts.

When I forget myself (which happens more than I would like) and directly ask my younger PDA child to do something (which is quickly followed by the sound of me face palming) you can physically see this misfire taking place, and completely disabling him. Yesterday I was putting the baby down for his nap and I really needed the boys to go and play in their bedroom so that there was marginally less screaming in the room, and I made the mistake. They were walking out of the room already, heading towards their bedroom and I said ‘go to your bedroom to play’. That was it. His body rocked back and forth like a tree in the wind, rooted firmly to the spot, surprised by his own inability to move, fingers splayed, eyes wide, heart racing… and a small voice said “I… can’t”.

That simple instruction - even though he was already on his way to complying with it - disabled him, because instructions are demands. So what counts as a demand? What is triggering our children? Glad you asked.

Demands can be:

• Direct instructions (e.g. “Put your shoes on”)

• Indirect suggestions (e.g. “Shall we go now?”)

• Expectations of any kind, even implied (e.g. “It’s nearly lunchtime”)

• Routines and timetables (e.g. having to follow a school schedule)

• Praise or positive attention (can feel like pressure to keep performing)

• Choice-making (e.g. “Do you want juice or water?” — both feel like pressure)

• Self-imposed goals (e.g. “I want to finish this Lego tower”)

• Internal expectations (e.g. wanting to be ‘good’, ‘brave’, or ‘polite’)

• Social niceties and politeness (e.g. saying thank you, eye contact)

• Transitional cues (e.g. “Time to go,” or even just packing a bag)

• Sensory demands (e.g. uncomfortable clothes, noise, lighting)

• Emotional demands (e.g. comforting someone else, showing emotion)

• Being observed or watched (can trigger performance anxiety)

• Waiting or queuing (implied pressure to conform or ‘hold it together’)

• Deadlines or time limits, even if playful (e.g. “Bet you can’t do it in 10 seconds!”)

• Fun activities with a start/stop (e.g. “Let’s go to the park” — still a demand)

Understanding that anything, even a kind invitation or a self-chosen activity, can feel like a demand to a PDA child is key to supporting them compassionately. It’s not about being wilful or difficult; it’s about a nervous system that interprets everyday expectations as threats. By recognising the hidden demands in daily life, we can begin to reduce pressure, build trust, and help our children feel safe enough to engage on their own terms.

Polyvagal-Informed Parenting: Practical Ideas

This is where things get hopeful. Once we know what’s going on, we can start offering the kind of support that actually works.

1. Focus less on compliance, more on connection.

When a child is in a fight, flight, or freeze response, they are operating from the amygdala, the brain’s alarm system. The amygdala is part of the limbic system and its job is to detect danger and keep us alive. In this state, the child’s nervous system has flagged a threat, and their body is responding accordingly. Blood flow shifts away from areas responsible for reasoning and towards areas needed for survival. Their brain is not wired for logic or learning in that moment, it is wired for escape or defence.

In contrast, the prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain responsible for higher thinking: problem-solving, emotional regulation, empathy, language processing, and impulse control. But it goes offline when the amygdala is activated. This means a child in survival mode literally can’t process instructions, reason through their emotions, or respond in the way we might hope.

Trying to talk a child through a meltdown or push for compliance during this time isn’t just ineffective, it can increase their distress. Your job isn’t to convince them out of the state they’re in. Your job is to help them feel safe enough that their nervous system no longer detects danger. Only when their sense of safety is restored does the prefrontal cortex come back online, making connection, reflection, and growth possible.

2. Notice the Triggers

Keep a gentle eye on what ramps up your child’s system. Is it transitions? Unpredictability? Certain sensory environments? Identifying and reducing these triggers creates the conditions for calm. And when a known trigger is unavoidable, such as a transition, we can offer co-regulation by supporting the nervous system before, during and after it.

For example, my eldest PDA child finds transitions (especially leaving the house) very difficult. One thing that helps him is eating crunchy snacks. This kind of oral sensory input provides deep proprioceptive feedback through the jaw, which can have an organising, grounding effect on the nervous system. It helps him stay regulated by giving his body something predictable, repetitive, and calming to focus on.

We also use small, intentional 'dopamine boosts' to help with difficult moments. Dopamine is a feel-good brain chemical linked to motivation and reward, and because many PDA children have lower baseline dopamine levels, they may struggle more with everyday tasks unless there's a motivating ‘hook’.

Something as simple as a chewy sweet in his pocket gives him a tiny dopamine lift when he’s running on low, helping him feel more able to manage the demands of transition. It’s a small, strategic way to support regulation without applying pressure.

3. Regulate Together

Co-regulation means using your own calm presence to help soothe your child’s nervous system. In moments of distress, your child’s system is searching (often unconsciously) for signals of safety or threat in the people around them. This is especially true for PDA children, who are often hyper-aware of facial expressions, tone, and body language. Even the slightest sign of tension in your face can be read as danger by their nervous system.

That’s why co-regulation starts with you. It means slowing your own breathing, grounding yourself, and calming your own nervous system so that you can offer a steady, non-threatening presence. You might find it helpful to take a few deep breaths, loosen your shoulders, and soften your posture. If you're feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a short moment for yourself, hiding in the bathroom for a few deep breaths isn’t failure, it’s strategy.

Be intentional with your facial expressions: think calm eyes, a gentle mouth, and a non-judgemental gaze. Try to avoid staring head-on, which can feel intense and threatening. Sitting side-on or lowering yourself to their level can help reduce perceived threat and communicate emotional safety.

Familiar routines, quiet spaces, and a soft, steady voice can all support co-regulation. But the foundation is your internal state. You can’t regulate someone else if you aren’t regulated yourself. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about bringing enough calm to help their nervous system begin to settle in your presence.

4. Respect Autonomy

Don’t try to sneak in demands. PDA children are brilliant lie detectors. It can be tempting to reword a demand to make it sound gentler but PDA children are exquisitely tuned in to the intent behind words, not just the words themselves. They will often sense when something is really a hidden instruction, even if it’s wrapped in politeness or playfulness. When they feel manipulated or coerced, even subtly, it can spark an instant fight-or-flight response. Their nervous systems don’t respond well to being backed into a corner, even with a smile.

Instead of trying to slip a demand past them, focus on building trust through authenticity. Be honest about what’s needed and frame it with genuine collaboration. Wherever possible, offer choices that allow your child to feel in control, like “Do you want to brush teeth before or after we read the story?” or use shared problem-solving to explore how a need can be met together.

Humour can be a brilliant diffuser, too. A silly voice, a funny challenge, or playing the “wrong” way on purpose can transform a potential flashpoint into a moment of connection. When laughter is present, the nervous system feels safer and that’s when flexibility becomes possible.

The most important thing to remember? You’re on the same team. Try not to approach things as a power struggle to win, but as a relationship to nurture. Let them lead when they can. Even small moments of autonomy help their nervous systems stay regulated and build trust that you’re a safe person to navigate the world with.

What changes when we know about this?

For me? Everything. I learned about this when I was writing and developing my Parents and Carers PDA course (which there is a link for at the bottom if you fancy a peek) and honestly, my heart hurt. I know that I didn’t know any better, but it made me reflect on my early parenting journey and just how much I didn’t know about my eldest PDA child. My heart hurt for him. Things could have been so much easier for him, he could have felt so much more safe, if I’d have known about all of this. BUT, we can only do the best we can with the information we have at the time, so I try not to beat myself up too much about it and focus my energy on what I can do for him now. I may not get it right all the time (it’s hard to unpack the suitcase of personal experience you bring to parenting all in one go) but I am working really hard on it.

When I get it right, on those days where I really do this properly, I see him. I see him peeking out under all of that nervous system foliage that’s grown over him like weeds. He crawls out, small and beautiful, into my open arms and we are okay. I really want that for you, too.

What we are left with: The Ladder and the Lion

Imagine a ladder. At the top is calm, connection, and curiosity. At the bottom is shutdown and danger. Polyvagal Theory is the ladder. It shows us that to climb back up, children need safety, not shame.

And the lion? That’s every demand, every unpredictable event, every scratchy sock and loud fire bell that tells your child they’re in danger.

You can’t remove every lion. But you can help your child climb the ladder.

What’s Next?

If this blog has helped you feel seen or sparked a deeper curiosity about how to support your PDA child, there’s so much more waiting for you. My PDA course for parents and carers is a great next step, packed with practical strategies, video content, and real-life insight.

You can explore it here: sendinmama.com/pdaparentsandcarers.

You’ll also find a growing library of exclusive downloadable resources, including PDA-friendly language checklists, personalised “About Me” profiles, and even PDA Case Studies in our Resources Hub.

And if you’re a professional working with PDA children, whether in education, healthcare, social care, or support services, my CPD-accredited course, “Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA): Professionals,” is coming this summer. It’s designed to equip you with compassionate, neurodiversity-affirming knowledge you can put into practice straight away. To be the first to know when it launches, just scroll to the bottom of the page and sign up for updates!

You’re not alone in this… and the more we learn, the better we support our incredible PDA children together.