The Low‑Demand Road: A Research‑Backed Guide for PDA Parents
- Natalie Froud
- Jul 24
- 7 min read
Parenting a child with PDA isn’t just “harder”, it means rethinking everything. Traditional parenting methods often backfire, making anxiety, overwhelm, and shutdowns worse. Luckily, research and lived experience show another way: the low‑demand, low‑arousal approach.
I’ve put together a quick guide to the ‘Low Demand Approach’ for parents and carers of PDA children who feel like they need to really understand what all of this is really about, and why they should spend time on this. To do that, let’s use research and work out the basics of what it says about this.
What the Research Says
Anxiety‑driven avoidance: Since Newson’s foundational work, PDA is understood less as “defiant” and more as a response to anxiety and loss of control
Low‑demand works: Studies consistently show that combining emotional regulation (e.g. Polyvagal Theory, which we’ll talk about another time) with reduced external demands leads to better engagement and calmer responses
Choice and collaboration: Approaches like the PANDA Framework and psychology‑based strategies (e.g. Dr. Greene’s CPS model) emphasise negotiation, autonomy, and shared planning over control.
Word choice matters: Swapping commands (“Put on your coat”) for invitations (“Would you rather wear the blue or red coat?”) significantly reduces resistance.
How to Bring Low‑Demand Living into Everyday Life
‘That’s all great but what does that mean for our everyday life as a family?’ I hear you ask. Well there are some things you can do that, at first, take a bit of thinking, but after a while become so second nature that you barely notice you’re doing it. What you will notice, though, is that things at home become just a little bit calmer…
1. Offer Genuine Choices
Research: Choice reduces anxiety by giving control. Now, notice I said genuine choices. PDAers are sensitive to social manipulation, so giving true choices means you need to be prepared to go with whichever option they choose. What do I mean by this? Don’t offer drawing or painting if you know you don’t have the energy to set up a painting activity and would prefer they did drawing, so are guiding or tempting them into one option more than the other.
Try this:
“Would you like bubbles in your bath today?”
“Would you rather wear your coat now or hold it till we're outside?”
“I’m not sure which bread to buy, which do you prefer?”
“Should we go to the opticians or ASDA first?”
“Do you want to brush your teeth before or after putting on pjs?
2. Shift to Declarative Language
Research: Framing actions as neutral statements lowers demand. This is the one that really takes some thinking at first. I caught myself getting this muddled up quite frequently at the beginning but I PROMISE it gets so much easier with time. My second son is incredibly sensitive to language so this was a game-changer for getting him to do anything at all.
Try this:
Instead of: “Put your shoes on.” Try: “Your shoes are by the door when you’re ready.”
Instead of: “Tidy up those toys.”Try: “I’m going to start tidying, let me know if you want to help.”
Instead of: “Go to the toilet before we leave.”Try: “We’ll be heading out soon, the toilet’s free if you need it.”
Instead of: “Stop shouting.” Try: “That noise is really loud for my ears.”
Instead of: “Eat your dinner.” Try: “Your dinner is on the table if you feel hungry.”
3. Use Play and Distraction
Research: Redirecting demands through play keeps things low-arousal.
There have been so many times where I’ve needed help and I’ve looked at my two eldest children with PDA thinking, there is no WAY they’re going to give me a hand. Sometimes they still can’t, and that’s okay, but sometimes they can when I do this…
Try this (I’ve given you loads of examples because it helps to understand how differently this can be applied):
“I wonder if we can put your shoes on like superhero boots?”
“Let’s race to the door quietly like sneaky spies.”
“Can you show me how a robot gets dressed?”
“What if the spoon was a dinosaur and your food was its dinner?”
“Oops, I’ve forgotten how to do this… can you teach me?”
“Let’s pretend we’re going on a secret mission, first task: socks on!”
“Your toothbrush looks like it wants to dance — can you show it how?”
“We’re explorers and the bath is a lava pool we have to get into safely!”
“I need a ‘getting dressed DJ’, can you pick the music?”
“Let’s do three ninja jumps before we put on our coats.”
“I think your cereal is whispering something... ‘Eat me!’”
“Can you beat me to the front door? I bet I’ll win...”
“Shall we do this job with jelly arms or spaghetti legs?”
“Let’s put each toy in the box with a silly sound!”
“Let’s try and move this pile of laundry as if we’re on the moon!”
4. Respect ‘Threshold of Tolerance’
Research: PDA is often described as a nervous system-level difference, not a behavioural choice. Being aware of a child’s threshold (how much demand, stimulation, or interaction they can tolerate) helps prevent overwhelm, shutdowns, or explosive behaviour. This concept is backed by trauma-informed approaches and PDA-specific guidance.
When children with PDA hit their threshold, they may appear oppositional, withdrawn, or distressed… but what’s really happening is a nervous system in survival mode.
Try this:
Watch for early signs: pacing, covering ears, sudden silliness, freezing, asking lots of unrelated questions, retreating, or emotional outbursts. These can all be signs they’re approaching their limit.
Offer co-regulation before it’s “needed”:“I’ve noticed this feels tricky, shall we pause and cuddle under a blanket for a bit?”“Want to do something calm together before we think about the next thing?”
Build in breaks, and name them gently:“Would a three-minute play break help?”“I’m having a rest before the next thing. Want to join me?”“Let’s take a wiggle break, your body might need a recharge!”
Offer choices with clear exits:“We can go to the park, or we can rest at home, both are fine.”“We could tidy one toy together now or save it for later. What feels easiest?”
Use timers and visuals as invitations, not pressure:“Let’s set this timer for 5 minutes of drawing, then we’ll check in again.”“This card means quiet time and you can choose what that looks like.”
Accept limits without trying to fix or push through:“You’re saying no right now — that’s okay. We can try again later if it feels right.”“You don’t have to explain. I hear that this doesn’t feel good today.”
5. Scaffold Through Collaboration
Research: Collaboration helps reduce the sense of powerlessness that underlies many PDA responses. When a child feels part of the decision-making process (even in small ways) they’re more likely to engage. This approach is rooted in autonomy-supportive parenting, Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (Dr Ross Greene), and PDA-informed strategies that recognise control as a core need for safety.
Scaffolding doesn’t mean removing all boundaries, it means building a flexible bridge with your child so they can meet challenges on their own terms.
Try this:
Invite joint planning: “Let’s plan our day together… what should we start with?”, “We need to tidy a bit. Want to decide who does what?”
Turn tasks into choices: “Which one should we do first, teeth or socks?” or “Would you rather get ready with music or quiet today?”
Use visuals or written agreements (if helpful): “Want to help me draw out our morning plan with pictures?” or “Shall we write down the steps together so we can tick them off?”
Share power wherever possible: “I wonder how we could make this work for both of us?” or “I need some help and I know you have great ideas, want to come up with a plan?”
Negotiate ‘non-negotiables’ gently: “We do need to go, but we can pick the music on the way — do you want to choose?” or “Lunch is coming. Do you want to eat now or in ten minutes?”
6. Tune in Over Time
Research: Families supporting PDA children consistently report the greatest progress when their unique knowledge of the child is centred. When professionals and caregivers take a flexible, curious stance — and reflect over time rather than chase instant results — children feel safer and more supported. Emotional attunement and co-regulation play a vital role in reducing demand avoidance and building trust.
Low-demand parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about noticing what works, what doesn’t, and adapting without judgement.
Try this:
Weekly reflection rituals - “What felt easy this week?”, “Which bits made us both feel stressed?” or “What’s one thing we want to do differently next week?”
Tweak routines slowly - Make small adjustments and notice the impact over several days. “We started mornings with music this week, did that feel better?”
Use audio/visual methods if talking is tough– Record a quick voice note: “That went well today… let’s do it like that again.”– Invite your child to draw or choose emojis to reflect how something felt.– Use photos or videos to look back on moments of success together.
Write a short 'Weekly Wins' list Celebrate the micro wins:– “Brushed teeth without distress”– “Let me choose the story book”– “Stayed in the same room during breakfast”
Quick Tips Recap
Use choice, humour, neutrality
Read your child’s emotional temperature
Invite collaboration, don’t demand compliance
Respect pacing, breaks and autonomy
Why It Matters
Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) isn’t about defiance or “bad behaviour”, it’s a self-protective response to overwhelm, anxiety, and a nervous system that experiences everyday demands as threats. What may look like refusal or manipulation is often a desperate bid to reclaim safety and control in an unpredictable world.
By reducing pressure, honouring autonomy, and responding to anxiety instead of trying to override it, we lay the groundwork for something far more valuable than compliance: trust.
This trust forms the foundation for:
More open communication (even if it's non-verbal)
Increased emotional safety, leading to real co-regulation
Gradual resilience and coping. Not through exposure, but through connection
Research and lived experience both show that PDA children do best in environments where they are understood, not corrected. When we meet their needs with curiosity, flexibility and compassion, we don’t just reduce meltdowns—we nurture self-understanding and long-term well-being.
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